That statement sort of sums up my Sunday night. I was feeling sick in my stomach from making the same mistake again. You know, the one I am always making. The one I have said I would never make again. The same crime I have been committing for what feels like my entire life. And I thought "tomorrow, I am going to stop."
You've been there. I am sure of it. There is something in your life that you have struggled with or continue to struggle with and you have told yourself that tomorrow you were going to stop, start, change, move on. Tomorrow you would make a better decision. Tomorrow, or maybe Monday you would quit or decided to start.
I have said it a thousand times. And there I sat, in the same hopeless helpless situation, saying it again. And I just got so angry at myself, at my situation, at my choices, at my life. So angry that I was giving myself another hopeless promise, one that I knew I would never keep. I wasn't going to change and do better tomorrow. I wasn't really going to have the power and the strength tomorrow if I didn't have it today.
And then finally I understood what was really going on.
We have lots of phrases and terms in our culture that we use when people continually make poor choices, or the same poor choice. We sometimes call it addiction. Sometimes it's a disease. Sometimes you hear it referred to as a dependency. And the list could go on. And I recognize that all of those terms are useful and purposeful to identify certain behaviors or lifestyles. But I have stared my issue in the face on countless nights and said it was an addiction, it was a dependency, it was a disease, and none of them help me, none of them really addressed what was happening in my life.
Until Sunday night. Last night. All these times I said I was going to change after I just allow myself to mess up just this one more time. Just one more and then I will be different. I said it and even believed it, but that didn't make it true.
I was hoping I would have the ability tomorrow that I didn't have today because I was allowing myself to stay in complete bondage. And I would like to shout from the rooftop (or maybe just blog since I am too tired to climb to the roof ;) that I have broken free.
I have stopped making excuses for myself.
I have stopped blaming other people for my problem, my struggle, my issue.
I have recognized that bondage is real and regardless what anyone else's view of my situation is, my situation is REAL!
I have given myself permission to feel unashamed that I was in bondage.
I have given myself permission to do what I need to do to be set free from bondage and continue on the path toward righteousness, even if my family gets upset, even if my friends think I've gone off the deep end, even if strangers think I am a big old weirdo.
I have made a change to myself on the outside to remind myself of the change I have made on the inside.
Because here is the thing, folks. I cannot (and you cannot) be serving the King while being enslaved by the Snake. It just doesn't work. If Satan has you fooled, has you trapped, has you all tied up and tied down, then God can't use you! And I am sick and tired of being unavailable for all that Jesus has for me because I am embracing the desires of my flesh.
Nothing will have power over me except Christ Jesus the Lord.
Will you join me?
"Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen." -1 Peter 5: 8-11
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