Thursday, December 6, 2012

I'm scum and I know it.

Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God.

A lot of people have a favorite *type* of bible verse.  My mom for instance likes the "well known" verses.  For God so loved the world.....  The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.....  Love is patient, Love is kind....  Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden.....

My husband likes the "Gospel" verses.  If you told him he had to preach/teach 15 minutes from now and he had to prepare a lesson on the spot he would teach those gospel verses.  God so loved the world........ (this one must be a favorite of everyone :) Wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life.......  Nothing can separate us from the love of God........  That he was buried, rose again on the third day.......  Repent and Be baptized.... for the forgiveness of sins and receive the gift of the holy spirit.....

Some people that I have met really love the "feel good" type of verses, or rather parts and pieces of verses, that help them feel good about themselves and what they are already doing (rather than longing for the Scripture to change their hearts and bring them to repentance).  Judge not, lest you be judged.....  Do unto others....  With God all things are possible....

If you stopped for a moment, I wonder if you could easily decide on what type of verse is your favorite.

My favorite type has become, for lack of better terms, the "I'm scum and I know it." verses.  (Hope you can refrain yourself from singing that to the tune of I'm Sexy and I Know it.) The best of these is Paul's declaration in Romans 7:  For what I am doing I do not understand.  For I am not practicing what I would like, but I am doing the very thing I hate.  Paul was really good for these.  In 1 Timothy he says something to the tune of: It is a trustworthy statement and deserves full acceptance that Christ Jesus came to the world to save sinners, of whom I am foremost.  We usually think of Paul as a Super-Christian yet he describes himself as the worst sinner.  Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick, who can understand it?

I love these verses because I can relate to them.  They minister to me on a deep level.  I can be myself around these verses.  I don't have to feel pressure to clean myself up and pretend I'm someone I'm not.  I have learned to be very careful about which aspects of myself I share to my family, relatives, and friends.  The more I grow in wisdom, the more years that get added to my past, the more I seek God's face, the more I feel pain and suffering, rejection, the more I learn what to say, when to say it and who to say it to.

And the part of my soul that I share the least with people in my life is that part of me that knows that I scum.  Not in a low self-worth sort of way.  In fact I have a pretty healthy sense of self-worth and I value myself.  I just realize that the members of my body are constantly waging war against me.  And some days, it is OH SO evident who is winning the battle.

I am beyond grateful to have a few people who I know I can bear (or is it bare?) my soul to.  And  a couple days I just let the floodgates open, without sugar coating and said exactly what was going on in my heart and how scumlike I felt.  And praises to Jesus, that she didn't respond with a counter argument or try to cheer me up.  Why do so many people do that I wonder?  They want to laugh while you're mourning, dance while you weep?

And then yesterday she sent me this verse in text:  Why are you in despair, O my soul?  And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, The help of my countenance and my God. -Psalm 42:11

Ahhhh.  Like a breath of air.  Like a shot of freshly juiced wheatgrass for the soul.

Why are you in despair, o my soul?  Why have you become disturbed within me?  Why?  I had been asking myself those very questions.  I didn't know this verse was there.  Just waiting for me to hear it.  And there it was.  Asking my soul my questions.

Hope in God for I shall yet praise Him.  The version she sent me said for I will "praise Him again."  Yes.  YES!  I will praise Him again.  I will put my hope in him.  He is my help.

My friend, my dear sweet wonderful friend, sent me a I'm scum and I know it verse and I needed it.  I needed it so badly.  I needed to know I wasn't alone and that I didn't need to cheer up.  Because life is hard and full of heartache.  And true Godly friends are able to share in that wallowing with us and not talk us into feeling better, not fix our problems.  Just walk beside and help us.  

My hope in sharing this is that you will take a moment.  *P A U S E* from your busy life and your busy spirit.  Take a moment.  Stop what you're doing.  Just for a moment.  Breathe.  

The heart is more deceitful than everything else and is desperately sick.  Who can understand it?


I am the worst of sinners.


What I am doing, I do not understand.  I am not practicing what I would like, but instead I am doing the very thing I hate....


You don't have to put on a happy face.  You don't have to cheer up.  You don't have to smile and laugh.  You can wallow for a while.  You can join together with saints present and saints past who agree and understand and have been there.  Hope in God, for you will again praise Him.

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